What I've Learned From Being Childless - Lesson 1

Being childless means that whatever romantic relationship I'm in will last based only on mutual love.

There are many couples that stay together "for the kids." As they look upon the beautiful faces of the human beings they are responsible for raising, and understand the love their children have for both their parents, they find reasons to keep on keeping on even when they are ready to move on.

And many times it works.  In relationships that have a decent foundation, shared core values and where both parties are willing to put their children's needs above their own... it works. Sometimes for 20 years, 30 years, or even "forever." The children, the grandchildren, the family - it's what they worked towards, made sacrifices for, invested in.  Their relationship with one another changes over time, and they like each other enough to ignore their own need for true companionship.  They have a partnership that works towards keeping the family "together."

Sometimes they figure that it's better than taking a risk and finding out that the grass isn't always greener on the other side.  Why bring stress to the family if it will only result in personal disappointment in the long run, etc. etc.  In some cases as soon as the kids are old enough or off on their own, the marriage or relationship disintegrates on its own, without much effort because the glue that kept the family together - the children - are no longer an issue, or the parents feel the children are old enough to adjust to a different version of "family."

Childless couples do not have this "glue".  We must rely on the integrity and value of the relationship with the other.  As anyone who has ever lived with anyone else knows, it is not easy making "glue" with someone who was a stranger for most of one's life.  Two people from two different families, two different life experiences, two different value systems, two different everything - come together to start a whole new family, life experiences, value system - a whole new everything - based only on love for the other.

After almost 10 years of marriage, it turned out that the glue my husband and I had used to build our family had dried out and wasn't sticking anymore.

Have you ever broken a vase, ceramic pot or plastic container and glued it together but used the generic all purpose glue? It stayed for a while, but eventually the glue doesn't adequately form the chemical bonds with the material to hold it together.  The glue dries and as soon as you find the need to move the container around, the thing falls apart.  You then go and try to glue it together again. Sometimes you use the better glue, but the residue of the old glue is still there and the thing holds together for a while but it doesn't last long.

That's what sort of happened with my marriage.  There was a lot of good there, but not enough. The residue of the cheap stuff got in the way - making it difficult for the bond to hold fast.  There were no hard feelings (eventually) - but the container could no longer do it's job, so we took the pieces and we threw them away.

Children may have made our bond hold for 20 years, 30 years, maybe until one of us died, but children didn't happen for us.  We were left with just the other to contend with. When it came down to it, we just didn't have the right stuff to keep it together.

In about 3 months, it will be one year that we are officially divorced (we were separated and living apart for 18 months before that). I don't have children that I can look at and say, "it was worth it because I have them."  I also do not have all the headaches that come with co-parenting children with someone who you are not living with! What I do have is good memories, lessons learned and a future to look forward to.  I hope someday to find someone who I can form a solid long lasting partnership with. I know what to look for now - but I am positive that I will still make some mistakes along the way.

The one thing I do know is that whoever that person is, our partnership will be based on what we share with one another, not on external or internal expectations from society or from family or from children.  It will be based on shared expectations, mutual respect, really good communication, similar core values and faith systems, compatible outlooks and goals... and of course love. Love - the ability to want the best for the other, be our best self for the other, putting aside selfish motives and agendas for the sake of the other.  One plus one equals one - that is the equation for a strong bond.